Tender Mercies in the Depths of Despair

This might be my hardest post to write and share as it is the most personal for me, especially as it has been my most recent trial.  But I believe that the reason I have felt inspired to write this blog is to help me heal, as well as to help others, so I feel it's important to share it at this time.

My fight with depression over the last five years has been the hardest struggle of my life, one that I honestly wasn't sure I was going to make it through.

While I had gone through many trials in my life, one thing I always loved about myself was that I held my head high and didn't let things slow me down. I just kept moving forward and faced life head on. I felt like I could handle many things and plenty of times took on probably more than I needed to or should, but still kept going. Not only did I keep going, but I most always felt happy. I had a great love for people and life! I was always on the go, finding new things to keep me busy and enjoyed every minute of it.

Life changed quite drastically for me about five years ago. Trying to pinpoint one singular thing that made this happen just isn't possible, I believe there were a lot of things happening at this time of my life, things that triggered memories of some past childhood trauma that I now had to face.

Thinking back on the last five years is hard; it's not a place I like to go. I hardly felt like a person through most of those years. Everything about life was difficult, just the thought of getting out of bed in the morning was overwhelming to me. It was all I could do to get my children off to school, then I would come home and go back to bed usually sleeping the day away because it was all I was capable of. If friends or family would call I would avoid answering because I had no desire to talk to anyone. It was all I could do to listen and talk to my children when they returned home from school at the end of the day.

One of my goals as I grew up was to always be a good mom and always be there for my children.  Even through my darkest of hours I made sure I was there to listen and talk to my girls as they came home from school, even if that was the only thing I was capable of.  But as they would tell me of their problems and heartache I felt the pain as if it were happening to me and became even more overwhelmed and exhausted. Luckily I have a great therapist who was able to help me through this, by explaining to me that because I had never worked through my own trauma as a child everything hard or hurtful that they were going through made me relive my own pain and anguish all over again. Yes, that was exhausting, but as I began working through my own emotional pain, I was better able to listen and help them.

During the first few years of my depression none of us truly knew what it really was. I was in pain constantly! I had migraines that wouldn't end, body aches that felt like flu pain, and I felt just extreme exhaustion. I was at the doctors having test after test, trying to find out the cause of all the pain. Finally they just diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and started treating me with medication after medication. I was on so many different medicines that I started to lose my mind. I was forgetting things like my children's names and how to spell them, I couldn't remember things the kids would tell me they needed for school, or birthday parties they had coming up. It got to the point that Pat finally told them they had to talk to him about all the important things because I truly couldn't remember things and it was really hurting us. The worst part was I was extremely proud and unwilling to share my problems with others - especially my family and friends - so we went on struggling in silence.

These issues with my memory only added to my depression and made things worse for me, and I became even more withdrawn and shut down.  It was so embarrassing because I never knew when it would hit and what I would forget next.

Life was hard at our house, I wasn't capable of much. My husband and my children really had to step up and take on a lot. Pat had a lot of responsibility at work, working a lot of overtime and still coming home to deal with dinner, running kids around, doing laundry, cleaning and bathing children all while I slept through most of it. It is extremely hard to admit that I was that person; I was so embarrassed, so angry and so confused as to how this became me! I would lay in bed thinking, "how do I get back to the person I used to be." As I longed for that person I would just cry and become even more overwhelmed and depressed.

I was lucky enough to have a friend that had the guts to say to me one day, "Kim, I think you're suffering from depression."  I remember when she told me this I was angry, but it always stuck in my mind and never went away. It really made me think and truly was a blessing. Even though it was on my mind, I still wasn't willing to admit it to others. I did talk to my doctor about it and tried different medications for it, but still nothing was working. I remained closed off and unwilling to admit out loud that this was my struggle.

I did all of this in silence; not letting my husband or my children know how bad it had really gotten.  No one except my Heavenly Father and my Savior knew the full extent of my pain and suffering! I cried and plead with my Heavenly Father almost daily. I felt such confusion not knowing where any of this was coming from or why. Yet I still remained proud and unwilling to ask for help or admit to anyone that I was dying inside.

I prayed and cried to Heavenly Father begging Him to fix it, pleading with him to heal me and let me get past this trial, but it didn't help; I was still in the depths of Hell. I finally got to the point that my prayers changed to, if I can't be healed then please just let me die. I don't want to live this way, please, I beg of you let me come home. Finally one night I decided to try and take my own life. I am so fortunate that the Lord showed me the reality of what I had done and what the consequences could be for both me and my family.  I went to my husband, told him that I had accidentally taken some of his pills instead of my own, and he quickly took me to the hospital.  It is evidence of how serious a depression I was in, that even in such a circumstance I didn’t tell him what I had actually done. I am very embarrassed and ashamed, and it is still so hard to for me to believe that I was at a point so low in my life that I actually made that choice.  At the same time, it has brought home to me how intense the pain of depression can be.  Those of you blessed enough to not have to deal with this affliction, thank your Heavenly Father, and be supportive and kind to others.  You may never fully know the depth of what they are dealing with each day.

I will never forget the day I finally broke down and told Pat the extent of my pain. I had been sobbing and pleading with my Heavenly Father all morning to take the pain away; I remember telling Him I couldn't go on anymore! I felt so strongly that Satan himself had hold of me and no matter how hard I tried to get away he just wouldn't let go. Pat was out of town, and I was truly considering checking myself into a hospital because I was a mess - I didn't know how or if I was going to survive the day! I finally had no choice but to call Pat and just let it all out.

I called him crying and just told him everything I had been feeling. I told him I didn't want to struggle with depression. I knew my mom struggled with it and couldn't be there for me, and her mom struggled with depression as well and had caused my mom a lot of pain.  I didn't want to be that person! Pat helped me to understand that depression is not a personal weakness, but that with faith and (a lot of) effort, I could eventually work through it and be able to function and live life again. He shared talks from conference with me; the one from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was particularly helpful, and he truly was my rock. He helped me understand that I needed to get back into my therapist and work through the depression side of things and that he would help me and support me through all of it.

I had already been working with my therapist off and on for fourteen years by this time so I felt pretty comfortable with her and she knew me pretty well. It still was hard for me to open up about my depression, but she was so understanding and great to work with through it all. It still took a good year to really uncover the deep yucky stuff from my childhood that I buried and didn't want to let out, and it has taken me almost another year to work through that stuff, learning how to cope and move on.

While a lot of my depression came from trauma that I went through as a child, I also have some chemical issues and I take medicine that helps keep it under control. Even as I continue my therapy, I still suffer with anxiety and deal with the effects of it daily.  I will have an anxiety attack here and there, and possibly will have to deal with that for the rest of my life, who knows?!  I had several blessings along the way that I hoped would give me ALL of the answers, but instead they gave me the strength I needed to just hold on.

I can't tell you how many nights I would lay in Pat's arms and cry to him asking him why I can't live a normal life. Why can't I feel like a normal person? What am I supposed to learn? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? I'm sure these were hard moments for Pat because he is a "fixer" - and he couldn't fix this. All he could do was hold me and listen. But hold me he did, over and over again, as many times as I needed it.

There were many times I wondered if Heavenly Father was listening? I would even get angry at times because I knew that He could heal me; He could take it all away if He wanted to - but He wouldn't! I didn't get it at the time, but I understand now. He WAS listening, but I needed to grow. It has been an extremely difficult five years, but I am a different person - a better person - and I am grateful for that. I am not as critical of myself as I once was. I have learned to love myself and accept my weaknesses. I'm okay with just being me. If it's good enough for my Heavenly Father, then that's enough. I find that I have a greater capacity to love and forgive others. I don't see things so superficially anymore. Even when my children complain to me about others I explain that we have no idea what they are truly dealing with, maybe they are doing the best they can. For quite a while I was not capable of much and I was doing the very best I could. I'm sure there were many who judged me, and many who I let down.  I am so sorry if you were one of those! I promise that was never my intention, it was just more than I was able to handle at the time.

I am in a much better place at this time in my life and am so grateful for that. I am healing and doing the things I need to do to help myself, with the Lord's blessings. There were several times in the last five years that I wondered if I would ever get to this point.   I am actually able to thank Heavenly Father that I'm alive and excited to face another day. How wonderful is that! I still have times that are hard, some days where it is still a challenge to get out of bed, but they are rare now and I love that. My marriage is amazingly strong, because we have had to go through some extremely difficult challenges and my husband proved to me over and over again that I was worth loving. I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful children who have helped me to see my value even when I felt pretty worthless.

I know firsthand how hard life can be at times, but I also know how sweet and wonderful it can feel when we make it through the trials, can look back and feel the excitement and take pride in ourselves; we survived and are stronger because of it! And there is nothing better than feeling your Heavenly Father smile down on you because He knew you had the strength to get through it the whole time, He just wanted you to know how strong you truly are! Life is such a wonderful blessing, but sometimes the dark clouds are just so thick it's hard to see through them. Just keep trying!  Get the help that you need from a good counselor, your family, friends or your church leaders.  When that cloud passes and you can see clearly again, it's amazing what blessings you realize you missed while you were in the darkness. They are always there - He is always there!  Sometimes it's just harder to see...

How have you been Converted?

I want to thank you all for your kind and encouraging words which are giving me the strength to move forward and write on. The trick is figuring out what to write next. There are so many things that get jumbled in my mind and I need to sort through them to figure out what might fit best this week. Wish me luck! 


I have been thinking a lot about conversion and about my conversion. Yes I was baptized at 8 and basically raised in the church, but I still had to be converted as does every Latter Day Saint at some point in their life. Beyond that, I truly believe we are continually being converted throughout our lives as we endure trials, have successes and otherwise build upon our testimonies.


I taught a lesson in primary a few weeks ago about Christ's Resurrection and in the lesson it had us ask the children if they had a personal testimony of Christ, if they knew for themselves that Christ died for them. As I challenged my primary children to go home and pray for themselves, I realized that I needed to talk to my own children and find out where they were on their testimonies. It was a lot of fun talking to my older children and listening to them bear their sweet testimonies.  It was also wonderful talking to my younger children that don't have that firm knowledge for themselves yet and challenging them to pray and find out for themselves.


My husband Pat shared with the children how old he was when he knew for sure for himself that the church was true and had a firm testimony of Christ. So I started thinking about when I knew for sure. I have had so many experiences throughout my life that have helped to build a testimony, but what was the one thing that really put me to the test and made me stand strong and make the choice? I decided that my complete conversion came when I was in high school. I had gone through a lot in my young life; many ups and downs and a lot of very personal loss by the time I was 16. But I don't think my faith any was truly tested until I was a senior in high school and ended up pregnant with my daughter, Samantha.


By the time I ended up pregnant with Samantha as a senior in high school I had dealt with a great deal of loss and abandonment. My parents divorced and left me with my grandparents.  While this was a blessing and I loved my grandparents so very much, at the same time I lost my mom and dad and two wonderful sisters that I rarely got to see. I believe losing my sisters was one of the hardest things I had to deal with as a young child, until I lost my grandpa to cancer when I was the age of ten. My grandpa was my greatest hero and truly my favorite person in the world so when he passed away I was very lost. Grandma struggled so much with this loss also, and I don't think either one of us knew how to console the other. It was a very difficult time for both of us. We did make it through, but when I turned sixteen my grandma decided to remarry and move to Idaho, leaving me here to finish my high school years. I moved in with an aunt and uncle and really struggled there, so I moved to a different aunt and uncles.  I came to realize I struggled there too, so I moved back in with the first aunt and uncle. I guess no matter where I was, it just wasn't home. I really missed my grandma and longed to be back “home”.


As I struggled through I unfortunately did what a lot of lost teenagers do, I latched onto a boyfriend. We dated through most of my high school years, off and on.  I'm sure the poor boy was very confused by me, as I was a very confused girl at the time. Shortly into my senior year after we had had a long break apart, we started dating again and things moved very quickly.  We talked about running away and getting married and all sorts of dumb things teenagers do - then I ended up pregnant. Wow! That ended things very quickly! I was really thrown for a loop just being pregnant, and here I was going through another loss at a very stressful time in my life.  I truly felt like I needed someone to rely on and I did. But it wasn't him, it was my Heavenly Father!


I learned very quickly that I had a lot of growing up to do in a very short amount of time and I had a lot of big decisions to make about someone else's life. I had barely made any decisions for my own life, and now I had to make decisions about what to do with this little baby that was growing inside of me. The guilt I carried was horrific, I wanted so much more for this little baby than what I had as a child and how could I ever provide that without a father? So many things were running through my head and I was convinced that the only thing I could do was give this baby up for adoption.


I met with my bishop, I met with LDS social services and I prayed like I had never prayed before in my life. I read my scriptures and listened to Michael McLean “From God's arms to my arms to Yours” constantly! No matter what I did I still felt so very alone. I wanted so badly to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but it just wouldn't come. Without the Spirit to help me, I couldn't make any decisions on what to do with this baby. I remember praying to Heavenly Father and pleading for comfort, and to feel Him near me; I then turned to Mark 15; 34 and read “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” As I read what the Savior said as He was on the cross just before He died, it hit me, Jesus understood exactly what I was going through; He had felt alone too! I felt a connection to my Savior that I had never felt before, and it was so comforting to me. All the pain I had been enduring, even the loss of the companionship of the Holy Spirit, Jesus felt, too. After this, I was finally able to feel the peace of the Comforter again; I had gone several months without this peace and I can tell you it is something I never want to go without again!


As I was finally able to feel the Holy Ghost again, I felt I could move forward with making decisions on what I needed to do for my baby. I continued to pray and study the scriptures. I tried to meet with my bishop, but unfortunately I did not have the most understanding bishop at the time and he wasn't great with me. But I feel that too was what I needed at the time, as I know we are all given trials and challenges that we have to endure and sometimes those are caused by the actions of others. I realized that I had made decisions in my life that put me in this place and I had to prove myself to Heavenly Father. I had to show Him I truly was repentant and was willing to fight my way back, and I did!


I will never forget the night I got my answer that I should keep Samantha. It was a very direct answer and a very spiritual experience that I will cherish for the rest of my life. There was never a doubt in my mind after that night, and I never questioned it again. I knew without a doubt I was to raise this little girl and that everything would turn out just fine for us. I had many people along the way tell me I did not know how to pray, because Heavenly Father would never give me that answer. I still didn't waver, I knew what my answer was and I had faith that things would work out, and they have. This is most definitely not the answer for all girls in my situation. I believe in adoption and am so grateful for it, as I was adopted by my grandparents and have also been lucky enough to adopt four children into my family. As I look at my situation and with all the loss and abandonment I had gone through in my life, giving Samantha up probably would have destroyed me, and Heavenly Father knew that.
I am not proud of the choices I made that lead me to getting pregnant in high school, but we are NEVER DEFINED BY A SINGLE CHOICE– good or bad. The decisions I made after I got pregnant lead me to become the person I am today, and I am proud of that. I am thankful every day for the spiritual strength I gained, for the personal testimony I worked for and for the personal relationships with my Heavenly Father and my Savior that I was able to build. Through the challenges I faced I had to rely on my Heavenly Father and because of this I am able to say without a doubt in my mind that He is there! He loves each and every one of us! I also know our Savior lives and loves us! I know with unshakeable conviction that He suffered for us in the garden willingly and He felt all of our pain and sorrow. Because of this He can be our perfect judge. I am so grateful for this testimony and for how blessed I have been in my life.  I know that no matter the trial I can always look back and see just where my Heavenly Father paved the way for me to make it through; where He carried me when I couldn't walk. I hope we can each strengthen our testimonies so as we go through trials, as we all will, we will have sufficient strength to rely on.

You are Stronger than You think!

I have thought about writing a blog for a very long time, and truthfully have chickened out every time. I have come across a sweet blogger, Nikki Yaste who has been so brave in sharing her story, including her weaknesses. Nikki is amazing to share her trials and tribulations that she has gone through- that have brought her to Christ. As I have read her blog, e-mailed her back and forth some, I have decided it's time for me to be brave and open up about some of my trials that have brought me to the deep understanding that Christ lives and loves me, and all of us. 
One of my favorite things Nikki shared and I hope she's okay with me using, is about Christ's scars and how He showed them to His disciples and the Nephites after He was crucified. But for those who witnessed His crucifixion they considered those wounds to be defeat. After His crucifixion His scars had a purpose. Those scars that they thought to have defeated them had actually saved them. She takes it even farther by talking about our own scars and how they can be used to save us, by bringing us closer to Christ as we learn to trust in Him that has atoned for us. I have to say that I believe this to be true, as I look at my scars and all I have suffered through, each scar represents a difficult struggle that has strengthened me and my testimony. Some of my struggles have been more than I felt I could handle, and honestly over the last three to five years I have not been proud of how I have handled most struggles.
Suffering with depression has been one of the hardest struggles for me. A struggle I didn't want to admit I had for several years. I tried so hard to hide my depression, and as I did it manifested in many ways. I had severe pain, extreme exhaustion and eventually was unable to cope with day to day life. As a mother of eight children this put a lot of pressure on my poor husband, and a lot of guilt on me.
The more I tried to overcome the depression on my own, the worse it got. I became very angry and bitter towards my Heavenly Father and the once fun loving open person I was I had lost. I became very withdrawn. I didn't want to leave the house, had no desire to be around others and avoided talking to anyone. Life was difficult to the extreme. I never understood how depression could overtake a persons life until it overtook mine. I had lost all hope in life, in myself and had no desire to continue on. I even tried taking my own life. I don't know how to explain the depth of pain and hopelessness I felt other than describing it as if the Devil himself had a hold of me and was pulling me down with all he had and I couldn't get him to let go. I cried and prayed pleading with my Heavenly Father to take this pain away. No matter how hard I plead with Him, the pain and agony were still there. I would find He would send tender mercies along the way that helped me get through until the next horrible breakdown, but I still was angry. 
I have never been great at letting people in, having trust in others and especially allowing myself to be emotionally exposed. But I was at a place in my life I didn't have a choice but to let people in or I was going to drown. I finally opened up to my husband about all I was feeling and how lost I felt. He was simply amazing! He reminded me of Elder Hollands talk on depression," Like a Broken Vessel." If you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng


 My husband Pat gave me a blessing and we started asking for prayers from family and friends. I felt myself starting to heal. It has been a slow process, lots of therapy, lots of prayers, and lots of patience. Some of the steps I have went through to get through this heeling proccess are, First Priesthood blessing. I needed all the strength I could get from my Heavenly Father. Second I needed people, family, friends, neighbors to gather around me and help remind me I a important, I am worth something to someone. Third step for me was getting into the Dr. and finding the right medication to help me. Finding the right medication is not always easy, it can be a challenge and take many months to find what is going to fit right for you, but it will be worth it. One of the many final steps for me that has made all the difference in the world to me came from another talk a friend passed on to me by Elder Nelsons wife Wendy Nelsn at a BYU educational conference.http://www.byutv.org/watch/60960c78-e80f-4459-a4d9-cf26ad573401/byu-womens-conference-wendy-watson-nelson-2015

It's so easy to get wrapped up into the daily life stuff that we forget the important spiritual things that should be taking place. Have you made time for your scripture study? Not your scripture run through to say you got it done, but your actual study that brought you closer to you Savior today?
In Phillipians 4:4-6 It reminds us to go deeper into our prayers give all to Heavenly Father. Let Him help you sort out your problems for the day, I promise you if give your problems to Him, they rest so much easier on your shoulders.

















 One last though. Just remember you are loved More than you could ever imagine! He has given His all for you and He wants you to succeed, therefore He is here waiting for you to ask for His help and as you do He will send legions of angels to help you !