You are Stronger than You think!

I have thought about writing a blog for a very long time, and truthfully have chickened out every time. I have come across a sweet blogger, Nikki Yaste who has been so brave in sharing her story, including her weaknesses. Nikki is amazing to share her trials and tribulations that she has gone through- that have brought her to Christ. As I have read her blog, e-mailed her back and forth some, I have decided it's time for me to be brave and open up about some of my trials that have brought me to the deep understanding that Christ lives and loves me, and all of us. 
One of my favorite things Nikki shared and I hope she's okay with me using, is about Christ's scars and how He showed them to His disciples and the Nephites after He was crucified. But for those who witnessed His crucifixion they considered those wounds to be defeat. After His crucifixion His scars had a purpose. Those scars that they thought to have defeated them had actually saved them. She takes it even farther by talking about our own scars and how they can be used to save us, by bringing us closer to Christ as we learn to trust in Him that has atoned for us. I have to say that I believe this to be true, as I look at my scars and all I have suffered through, each scar represents a difficult struggle that has strengthened me and my testimony. Some of my struggles have been more than I felt I could handle, and honestly over the last three to five years I have not been proud of how I have handled most struggles.
Suffering with depression has been one of the hardest struggles for me. A struggle I didn't want to admit I had for several years. I tried so hard to hide my depression, and as I did it manifested in many ways. I had severe pain, extreme exhaustion and eventually was unable to cope with day to day life. As a mother of eight children this put a lot of pressure on my poor husband, and a lot of guilt on me.
The more I tried to overcome the depression on my own, the worse it got. I became very angry and bitter towards my Heavenly Father and the once fun loving open person I was I had lost. I became very withdrawn. I didn't want to leave the house, had no desire to be around others and avoided talking to anyone. Life was difficult to the extreme. I never understood how depression could overtake a persons life until it overtook mine. I had lost all hope in life, in myself and had no desire to continue on. I even tried taking my own life. I don't know how to explain the depth of pain and hopelessness I felt other than describing it as if the Devil himself had a hold of me and was pulling me down with all he had and I couldn't get him to let go. I cried and prayed pleading with my Heavenly Father to take this pain away. No matter how hard I plead with Him, the pain and agony were still there. I would find He would send tender mercies along the way that helped me get through until the next horrible breakdown, but I still was angry. 
I have never been great at letting people in, having trust in others and especially allowing myself to be emotionally exposed. But I was at a place in my life I didn't have a choice but to let people in or I was going to drown. I finally opened up to my husband about all I was feeling and how lost I felt. He was simply amazing! He reminded me of Elder Hollands talk on depression," Like a Broken Vessel." If you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng


 My husband Pat gave me a blessing and we started asking for prayers from family and friends. I felt myself starting to heal. It has been a slow process, lots of therapy, lots of prayers, and lots of patience. Some of the steps I have went through to get through this heeling proccess are, First Priesthood blessing. I needed all the strength I could get from my Heavenly Father. Second I needed people, family, friends, neighbors to gather around me and help remind me I a important, I am worth something to someone. Third step for me was getting into the Dr. and finding the right medication to help me. Finding the right medication is not always easy, it can be a challenge and take many months to find what is going to fit right for you, but it will be worth it. One of the many final steps for me that has made all the difference in the world to me came from another talk a friend passed on to me by Elder Nelsons wife Wendy Nelsn at a BYU educational conference.http://www.byutv.org/watch/60960c78-e80f-4459-a4d9-cf26ad573401/byu-womens-conference-wendy-watson-nelson-2015

It's so easy to get wrapped up into the daily life stuff that we forget the important spiritual things that should be taking place. Have you made time for your scripture study? Not your scripture run through to say you got it done, but your actual study that brought you closer to you Savior today?
In Phillipians 4:4-6 It reminds us to go deeper into our prayers give all to Heavenly Father. Let Him help you sort out your problems for the day, I promise you if give your problems to Him, they rest so much easier on your shoulders.

















 One last though. Just remember you are loved More than you could ever imagine! He has given His all for you and He wants you to succeed, therefore He is here waiting for you to ask for His help and as you do He will send legions of angels to help you !