Tender Mercies in the Depths of Despair

This might be my hardest post to write and share as it is the most personal for me, especially as it has been my most recent trial.  But I believe that the reason I have felt inspired to write this blog is to help me heal, as well as to help others, so I feel it's important to share it at this time.

My fight with depression over the last five years has been the hardest struggle of my life, one that I honestly wasn't sure I was going to make it through.

While I had gone through many trials in my life, one thing I always loved about myself was that I held my head high and didn't let things slow me down. I just kept moving forward and faced life head on. I felt like I could handle many things and plenty of times took on probably more than I needed to or should, but still kept going. Not only did I keep going, but I most always felt happy. I had a great love for people and life! I was always on the go, finding new things to keep me busy and enjoyed every minute of it.

Life changed quite drastically for me about five years ago. Trying to pinpoint one singular thing that made this happen just isn't possible, I believe there were a lot of things happening at this time of my life, things that triggered memories of some past childhood trauma that I now had to face.

Thinking back on the last five years is hard; it's not a place I like to go. I hardly felt like a person through most of those years. Everything about life was difficult, just the thought of getting out of bed in the morning was overwhelming to me. It was all I could do to get my children off to school, then I would come home and go back to bed usually sleeping the day away because it was all I was capable of. If friends or family would call I would avoid answering because I had no desire to talk to anyone. It was all I could do to listen and talk to my children when they returned home from school at the end of the day.

One of my goals as I grew up was to always be a good mom and always be there for my children.  Even through my darkest of hours I made sure I was there to listen and talk to my girls as they came home from school, even if that was the only thing I was capable of.  But as they would tell me of their problems and heartache I felt the pain as if it were happening to me and became even more overwhelmed and exhausted. Luckily I have a great therapist who was able to help me through this, by explaining to me that because I had never worked through my own trauma as a child everything hard or hurtful that they were going through made me relive my own pain and anguish all over again. Yes, that was exhausting, but as I began working through my own emotional pain, I was better able to listen and help them.

During the first few years of my depression none of us truly knew what it really was. I was in pain constantly! I had migraines that wouldn't end, body aches that felt like flu pain, and I felt just extreme exhaustion. I was at the doctors having test after test, trying to find out the cause of all the pain. Finally they just diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and started treating me with medication after medication. I was on so many different medicines that I started to lose my mind. I was forgetting things like my children's names and how to spell them, I couldn't remember things the kids would tell me they needed for school, or birthday parties they had coming up. It got to the point that Pat finally told them they had to talk to him about all the important things because I truly couldn't remember things and it was really hurting us. The worst part was I was extremely proud and unwilling to share my problems with others - especially my family and friends - so we went on struggling in silence.

These issues with my memory only added to my depression and made things worse for me, and I became even more withdrawn and shut down.  It was so embarrassing because I never knew when it would hit and what I would forget next.

Life was hard at our house, I wasn't capable of much. My husband and my children really had to step up and take on a lot. Pat had a lot of responsibility at work, working a lot of overtime and still coming home to deal with dinner, running kids around, doing laundry, cleaning and bathing children all while I slept through most of it. It is extremely hard to admit that I was that person; I was so embarrassed, so angry and so confused as to how this became me! I would lay in bed thinking, "how do I get back to the person I used to be." As I longed for that person I would just cry and become even more overwhelmed and depressed.

I was lucky enough to have a friend that had the guts to say to me one day, "Kim, I think you're suffering from depression."  I remember when she told me this I was angry, but it always stuck in my mind and never went away. It really made me think and truly was a blessing. Even though it was on my mind, I still wasn't willing to admit it to others. I did talk to my doctor about it and tried different medications for it, but still nothing was working. I remained closed off and unwilling to admit out loud that this was my struggle.

I did all of this in silence; not letting my husband or my children know how bad it had really gotten.  No one except my Heavenly Father and my Savior knew the full extent of my pain and suffering! I cried and plead with my Heavenly Father almost daily. I felt such confusion not knowing where any of this was coming from or why. Yet I still remained proud and unwilling to ask for help or admit to anyone that I was dying inside.

I prayed and cried to Heavenly Father begging Him to fix it, pleading with him to heal me and let me get past this trial, but it didn't help; I was still in the depths of Hell. I finally got to the point that my prayers changed to, if I can't be healed then please just let me die. I don't want to live this way, please, I beg of you let me come home. Finally one night I decided to try and take my own life. I am so fortunate that the Lord showed me the reality of what I had done and what the consequences could be for both me and my family.  I went to my husband, told him that I had accidentally taken some of his pills instead of my own, and he quickly took me to the hospital.  It is evidence of how serious a depression I was in, that even in such a circumstance I didn’t tell him what I had actually done. I am very embarrassed and ashamed, and it is still so hard to for me to believe that I was at a point so low in my life that I actually made that choice.  At the same time, it has brought home to me how intense the pain of depression can be.  Those of you blessed enough to not have to deal with this affliction, thank your Heavenly Father, and be supportive and kind to others.  You may never fully know the depth of what they are dealing with each day.

I will never forget the day I finally broke down and told Pat the extent of my pain. I had been sobbing and pleading with my Heavenly Father all morning to take the pain away; I remember telling Him I couldn't go on anymore! I felt so strongly that Satan himself had hold of me and no matter how hard I tried to get away he just wouldn't let go. Pat was out of town, and I was truly considering checking myself into a hospital because I was a mess - I didn't know how or if I was going to survive the day! I finally had no choice but to call Pat and just let it all out.

I called him crying and just told him everything I had been feeling. I told him I didn't want to struggle with depression. I knew my mom struggled with it and couldn't be there for me, and her mom struggled with depression as well and had caused my mom a lot of pain.  I didn't want to be that person! Pat helped me to understand that depression is not a personal weakness, but that with faith and (a lot of) effort, I could eventually work through it and be able to function and live life again. He shared talks from conference with me; the one from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was particularly helpful, and he truly was my rock. He helped me understand that I needed to get back into my therapist and work through the depression side of things and that he would help me and support me through all of it.

I had already been working with my therapist off and on for fourteen years by this time so I felt pretty comfortable with her and she knew me pretty well. It still was hard for me to open up about my depression, but she was so understanding and great to work with through it all. It still took a good year to really uncover the deep yucky stuff from my childhood that I buried and didn't want to let out, and it has taken me almost another year to work through that stuff, learning how to cope and move on.

While a lot of my depression came from trauma that I went through as a child, I also have some chemical issues and I take medicine that helps keep it under control. Even as I continue my therapy, I still suffer with anxiety and deal with the effects of it daily.  I will have an anxiety attack here and there, and possibly will have to deal with that for the rest of my life, who knows?!  I had several blessings along the way that I hoped would give me ALL of the answers, but instead they gave me the strength I needed to just hold on.

I can't tell you how many nights I would lay in Pat's arms and cry to him asking him why I can't live a normal life. Why can't I feel like a normal person? What am I supposed to learn? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? I'm sure these were hard moments for Pat because he is a "fixer" - and he couldn't fix this. All he could do was hold me and listen. But hold me he did, over and over again, as many times as I needed it.

There were many times I wondered if Heavenly Father was listening? I would even get angry at times because I knew that He could heal me; He could take it all away if He wanted to - but He wouldn't! I didn't get it at the time, but I understand now. He WAS listening, but I needed to grow. It has been an extremely difficult five years, but I am a different person - a better person - and I am grateful for that. I am not as critical of myself as I once was. I have learned to love myself and accept my weaknesses. I'm okay with just being me. If it's good enough for my Heavenly Father, then that's enough. I find that I have a greater capacity to love and forgive others. I don't see things so superficially anymore. Even when my children complain to me about others I explain that we have no idea what they are truly dealing with, maybe they are doing the best they can. For quite a while I was not capable of much and I was doing the very best I could. I'm sure there were many who judged me, and many who I let down.  I am so sorry if you were one of those! I promise that was never my intention, it was just more than I was able to handle at the time.

I am in a much better place at this time in my life and am so grateful for that. I am healing and doing the things I need to do to help myself, with the Lord's blessings. There were several times in the last five years that I wondered if I would ever get to this point.   I am actually able to thank Heavenly Father that I'm alive and excited to face another day. How wonderful is that! I still have times that are hard, some days where it is still a challenge to get out of bed, but they are rare now and I love that. My marriage is amazingly strong, because we have had to go through some extremely difficult challenges and my husband proved to me over and over again that I was worth loving. I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful children who have helped me to see my value even when I felt pretty worthless.

I know firsthand how hard life can be at times, but I also know how sweet and wonderful it can feel when we make it through the trials, can look back and feel the excitement and take pride in ourselves; we survived and are stronger because of it! And there is nothing better than feeling your Heavenly Father smile down on you because He knew you had the strength to get through it the whole time, He just wanted you to know how strong you truly are! Life is such a wonderful blessing, but sometimes the dark clouds are just so thick it's hard to see through them. Just keep trying!  Get the help that you need from a good counselor, your family, friends or your church leaders.  When that cloud passes and you can see clearly again, it's amazing what blessings you realize you missed while you were in the darkness. They are always there - He is always there!  Sometimes it's just harder to see...