How have you been Converted?

I want to thank you all for your kind and encouraging words which are giving me the strength to move forward and write on. The trick is figuring out what to write next. There are so many things that get jumbled in my mind and I need to sort through them to figure out what might fit best this week. Wish me luck! 


I have been thinking a lot about conversion and about my conversion. Yes I was baptized at 8 and basically raised in the church, but I still had to be converted as does every Latter Day Saint at some point in their life. Beyond that, I truly believe we are continually being converted throughout our lives as we endure trials, have successes and otherwise build upon our testimonies.


I taught a lesson in primary a few weeks ago about Christ's Resurrection and in the lesson it had us ask the children if they had a personal testimony of Christ, if they knew for themselves that Christ died for them. As I challenged my primary children to go home and pray for themselves, I realized that I needed to talk to my own children and find out where they were on their testimonies. It was a lot of fun talking to my older children and listening to them bear their sweet testimonies.  It was also wonderful talking to my younger children that don't have that firm knowledge for themselves yet and challenging them to pray and find out for themselves.


My husband Pat shared with the children how old he was when he knew for sure for himself that the church was true and had a firm testimony of Christ. So I started thinking about when I knew for sure. I have had so many experiences throughout my life that have helped to build a testimony, but what was the one thing that really put me to the test and made me stand strong and make the choice? I decided that my complete conversion came when I was in high school. I had gone through a lot in my young life; many ups and downs and a lot of very personal loss by the time I was 16. But I don't think my faith any was truly tested until I was a senior in high school and ended up pregnant with my daughter, Samantha.


By the time I ended up pregnant with Samantha as a senior in high school I had dealt with a great deal of loss and abandonment. My parents divorced and left me with my grandparents.  While this was a blessing and I loved my grandparents so very much, at the same time I lost my mom and dad and two wonderful sisters that I rarely got to see. I believe losing my sisters was one of the hardest things I had to deal with as a young child, until I lost my grandpa to cancer when I was the age of ten. My grandpa was my greatest hero and truly my favorite person in the world so when he passed away I was very lost. Grandma struggled so much with this loss also, and I don't think either one of us knew how to console the other. It was a very difficult time for both of us. We did make it through, but when I turned sixteen my grandma decided to remarry and move to Idaho, leaving me here to finish my high school years. I moved in with an aunt and uncle and really struggled there, so I moved to a different aunt and uncles.  I came to realize I struggled there too, so I moved back in with the first aunt and uncle. I guess no matter where I was, it just wasn't home. I really missed my grandma and longed to be back “home”.


As I struggled through I unfortunately did what a lot of lost teenagers do, I latched onto a boyfriend. We dated through most of my high school years, off and on.  I'm sure the poor boy was very confused by me, as I was a very confused girl at the time. Shortly into my senior year after we had had a long break apart, we started dating again and things moved very quickly.  We talked about running away and getting married and all sorts of dumb things teenagers do - then I ended up pregnant. Wow! That ended things very quickly! I was really thrown for a loop just being pregnant, and here I was going through another loss at a very stressful time in my life.  I truly felt like I needed someone to rely on and I did. But it wasn't him, it was my Heavenly Father!


I learned very quickly that I had a lot of growing up to do in a very short amount of time and I had a lot of big decisions to make about someone else's life. I had barely made any decisions for my own life, and now I had to make decisions about what to do with this little baby that was growing inside of me. The guilt I carried was horrific, I wanted so much more for this little baby than what I had as a child and how could I ever provide that without a father? So many things were running through my head and I was convinced that the only thing I could do was give this baby up for adoption.


I met with my bishop, I met with LDS social services and I prayed like I had never prayed before in my life. I read my scriptures and listened to Michael McLean “From God's arms to my arms to Yours” constantly! No matter what I did I still felt so very alone. I wanted so badly to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but it just wouldn't come. Without the Spirit to help me, I couldn't make any decisions on what to do with this baby. I remember praying to Heavenly Father and pleading for comfort, and to feel Him near me; I then turned to Mark 15; 34 and read “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” As I read what the Savior said as He was on the cross just before He died, it hit me, Jesus understood exactly what I was going through; He had felt alone too! I felt a connection to my Savior that I had never felt before, and it was so comforting to me. All the pain I had been enduring, even the loss of the companionship of the Holy Spirit, Jesus felt, too. After this, I was finally able to feel the peace of the Comforter again; I had gone several months without this peace and I can tell you it is something I never want to go without again!


As I was finally able to feel the Holy Ghost again, I felt I could move forward with making decisions on what I needed to do for my baby. I continued to pray and study the scriptures. I tried to meet with my bishop, but unfortunately I did not have the most understanding bishop at the time and he wasn't great with me. But I feel that too was what I needed at the time, as I know we are all given trials and challenges that we have to endure and sometimes those are caused by the actions of others. I realized that I had made decisions in my life that put me in this place and I had to prove myself to Heavenly Father. I had to show Him I truly was repentant and was willing to fight my way back, and I did!


I will never forget the night I got my answer that I should keep Samantha. It was a very direct answer and a very spiritual experience that I will cherish for the rest of my life. There was never a doubt in my mind after that night, and I never questioned it again. I knew without a doubt I was to raise this little girl and that everything would turn out just fine for us. I had many people along the way tell me I did not know how to pray, because Heavenly Father would never give me that answer. I still didn't waver, I knew what my answer was and I had faith that things would work out, and they have. This is most definitely not the answer for all girls in my situation. I believe in adoption and am so grateful for it, as I was adopted by my grandparents and have also been lucky enough to adopt four children into my family. As I look at my situation and with all the loss and abandonment I had gone through in my life, giving Samantha up probably would have destroyed me, and Heavenly Father knew that.
I am not proud of the choices I made that lead me to getting pregnant in high school, but we are NEVER DEFINED BY A SINGLE CHOICE– good or bad. The decisions I made after I got pregnant lead me to become the person I am today, and I am proud of that. I am thankful every day for the spiritual strength I gained, for the personal testimony I worked for and for the personal relationships with my Heavenly Father and my Savior that I was able to build. Through the challenges I faced I had to rely on my Heavenly Father and because of this I am able to say without a doubt in my mind that He is there! He loves each and every one of us! I also know our Savior lives and loves us! I know with unshakeable conviction that He suffered for us in the garden willingly and He felt all of our pain and sorrow. Because of this He can be our perfect judge. I am so grateful for this testimony and for how blessed I have been in my life.  I know that no matter the trial I can always look back and see just where my Heavenly Father paved the way for me to make it through; where He carried me when I couldn't walk. I hope we can each strengthen our testimonies so as we go through trials, as we all will, we will have sufficient strength to rely on.